Empathy Isn't Forgiveness: Why We Must Face Our Own Darkness First

Two people forgiving one another

For years, I’ve wrestled with the concept of forgiveness. It’s a cornerstone of Christian faith, a commandment from Jesus Himself. But something always felt off with the message we've been taught - like there was a step that was missing. Recently, I realized what that missing step was and what the misunderstanding was. We’ve confused empathy with forgiveness.

🧠 The Confusion: Empathy vs. Forgiveness

Empathy is beautiful. It allows us to understand someone’s pain, to see the world through their eyes. It softens our hearts and builds bridges. But empathy alone doesn’t heal wounds. It doesn’t release someone from the moral weight of their actions. That’s the work of forgiveness—and it’s far more demanding.

Forgiveness requires us to confront the hurt, name it, and then choose to let go of the debt. It’s not passive. It’s not automatic. And it’s certainly not the same as simply “understanding” someone.

🔍 The Forgotten Step: Self-Examination

Jesus didn’t just tell us to forgive—He told us to look inward first.

“Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the beam in your own?” (Matthew 7:3)

Before we can forgive, we must examine our own darkness. That means:

• Acknowledging our own capacity to hurt others

• Recognizing our pride, our judgment, our need for control

• Facing the uncomfortable truth that we, too, need grace

This isn’t about excusing someone else’s behavior. It’s about grounding forgiveness in humility. When we understand our own brokenness, we stop seeing others as villains and start seeing them as fellow strugglers.

🕊️ Why This Matters

When we mistake empathy for forgiveness, we risk:

• Offering shallow grace that doesn’t heal

• Suppressing our pain instead of processing it

• Forgiving prematurely, without true release

But when we forgive from a place of self-awareness, it becomes transformative. It frees both the offender and the offended.

✨ A New Way Forward

Let’s stop rushing forgiveness. Let’s sit with our pain, reflect on our own flaws, and then—when we’re ready—extend grace that’s real, not performative.

Empathy may open the door. But forgiveness walks through it, carrying the weight of truth and the light of mercy.