Blame, Guilt & Personal Responsibility

Exhibitors in a convention room

Recently, I was part of an organized event that didn’t go very well, and nearly everyone was angry as a result. The experience reminded me of the many faces of blame, personal responsibility, integrity, and guilt.

THE ROOTS

People who grow up in dysfunctional homes where physical and/or emotional abuse is a common occurrence often get stuck in the caves of blame. This happens because once they are old enough to understand that they were mistreated by the very people who were supposed to love them, all the feelings associated with their grief, as well as the betrayal, overwhelm them.

The It’s My Fault Mind File which holds multiple narratives created in childhood that accept responsibility for emotional and/or physical abuse, is referenced and reviewed.

A banner with a mind file labeled It's all my fault followed by accompanying statements and emotions

The initial narratives grew in emotional intensity with each round of punishment received.

Mind File narratives

Then, at some point, usually in the teenage years, the entire Mind File changes from ‘It’s all my fault’ to ‘It WASN’T my fault’ and the emotional filters attached to the narratives shift from sadness and regret to anger and blame.

A Mind File labeled It Wasn't my fault followed by statements and emojis

This realization also coincides with the development of rigid dualistic thinking.

Black-and-white thinking, often referred to as rigid dualistic thinking, develops as a psychological defence mechanism in response to emotional trauma or betrayal, particularly during formative years. This binary perspective simplifies complex emotional experiences into extremes, such as “all good” or “all bad,” allowing individuals to create a sense of order in the chaos of their pain. For those who have endured dysfunctional environments, this framework provides clarity when they grapple with the overwhelming grief and betrayal of being hurt by those they trusted. However, as this mental construct solidifies, it can limit one’s ability to navigate the nuanced realities of relationships and personal accountability, perpetuating cycles of blame or self-victimization instead of fostering healing and growth.

The defence mechanisms developed in our childhood served us well when we were at the mercy of the adults in our lives. However, once we become responsible for ourselves, we need to establish healthy boundaries that better suit our needs. If we fail to do this, we may find ourselves in repetitive, disappointing situations, which leave us vulnerable to people who may take advantage of us.

Blame can sometimes be justified. Take my recent experience as an example. The organizer did not fulfill her responsibility to ensure that the general public was aware of the event. Instead of accepting accountability for her shortcomings, she provided a series of excuses for not promoting it. This only frustrated those who had trusted her to meet her obligations as the event organizer.

The people who paid to participate in her event had the option to pack up their wares and leave once they realized that the general public was unaware of the event, but only a few did. The reluctance to pack up and leave could be rooted in several factors:

1)      The fear of what others might think.

2)      Misplaced guilt.

3)      Desperation to make back the money they spent to participate by waiting for the magical customer to purchase their wares and alleviate their anger.

WHAT WILL THEY THINK?

This fear of criticism and judgment often finds its roots in childhood, particularly in environments marked by dysfunctional parenting or relentless peer bullying. Overly critical or emotionally unavailable parents can create an atmosphere where a child feels constantly scrutinized or inadequate, as if their worth is contingent on meeting impossible standards. Similarly, bullying by peers amplifies this internalized fear, as children are mocked or excluded for being different or vulnerable. Over time, these experiences carve deep grooves in the psyche, teaching the child to equate judgment with rejection and criticism with failure. This can lead to a heightened sensitivity to external opinions, compelling individuals to seek approval or avoid conflict at any cost. Left unchecked, this fear can persist into adulthood, shaping behaviours and decisions that prioritize others’ perceptions over personal well-being and authenticity.

MISPLACED GUILT

Misplaced guilt often arises when individuals take on responsibility for events or outcomes beyond their control, a habit frequently rooted in early experiences where they were unfairly blamed for others' mistakes or emotions. This internalized sense of culpability can manifest in adulthood as a compulsion to over-apologize, excessively accommodate others, or tolerate mistreatment in an attempt to "make up" for perceived failings. Such misplaced guilt not only distorts one’s sense of self-worth but also perpetuates patterns of self-sacrifice that hinder personal growth and authentic connections.

DESPERATION TO EARN BACK THE MONEY

Some individuals felt deceived by the organizer, which affected their sense of pride. Pride can have both positive and negative aspects, and in this instance, the negative aspects were activated. Instead of accepting their losses – which included the money paid to the organizer and the time spent setting up and waiting for customers – they remained seated, visibly displeased, as a way to express their discontent.

WE SEE WHAT WE WANT TO SEE

Rose colored glasses

All participants, including myself, were enthusiastic about sharing our creations and eagerly registered for the event.

There were multiple indicators suggesting that this event might not meet my expectations. Had I arrived at the facility only to find that my eagerness had resulted in disappointment, I would not have been surprised. One of the other participants conveyed a similar sentiment, while others displayed evident frustration.

We see what we want to see. Everyone who agreed to participate desired an event with minimal costs relative to potential earnings. Consequently, rather than questioning the unusually low fees, we readily accepted the rate, paid the required amount, and hoped for a favourable outcome. We did not question the absence of a social media presence, the lack of advertising for the event, or the absence of any correspondence outlining expected outcomes prior to the event.

Just after one o’clock, I packed up and began taking my product out to my car. I could see that some of the participants were uncomfortable with me leaving, but I wasn’t concerned with what they thought about my choice. I simply made it and went about my day.

I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and this experience was no exception. I am grateful that God reminded me about the consequences of being too eager and not paying attention to the glaring warning signs before me.